也许我永远也不会知道什么样的路才适合自己去走，什么样的工作才适合自己去做了。所以，找一条路，管他是死是活，走到底吧。
路我已经选好了。虽然不好走，但最近以来已然沉浸在重新有了期冀的状态中，当然，也伴着茫然，更伴着期望背后笼罩的恐惧。
但也是感受到恐惧的那一刹那，突然清亮的感觉到自己其实还活着。
9/14/2008
万妙的美丽女人之死
这个艺术主题的展开可以说是从一个美丽女性的尸体开始的。那是一八几几年，有人在卢浮宫外面的河道里发现了一个女人的尸体，那个时候处理这个尸体的方法是 放到某个市中心地带让市民过来认领。这个女人的美丽和她的死激起了当地市民的议论，“她是谁？她为什么死？”是所有议论的中心。这些议论和由此产生的传闻 给这个女人蒙上了一层神秘的气息。 其中有一些“艺术家”在认领的过程中被这个沉静、安详、面容依然散发着蛊惑魅力的女性深深打动，加之已然笼罩的神秘，于是迸发出以“美丽女性之死”为题材 的一系列绘画创作。在他们眼里，突然间，美丽的女人，用她们所有的童年和青春积蓄的美丽作为筹码，在死的瞬间迸发出真挚的美。她们的出生就是为了死亡的那 一刻，这句话从这点来看似乎一点不为过。从开始以幻想为模板的绘画，到后来用模特塑造氛围的摄影，在这两百多年的时间里，这个题材一直在重复并更新着自 己。 所以，我们从广告，摄影，传单，尤其网络上，看到很多美丽的女性死在池塘里，死在浴池里，死在小溪边⋯⋯在她们散发的美丽和死亡的气息间，好的作品总能达 成完美的平衡，漂白的皮肤传达出死亡的信号，完美的胸部证明着她们的青春，精致的面庞挑起观赏者的怜惜，而灯光和环境的不同则可以让人产生不同的感官刺 激，掺杂着虽然变态但不可否认的性欲，或者及至到纯粹的神性之光。愈发的，这些作品不再仅仅是关于光影和造型，而是去探索神秘，死亡，和原始的冲动了—— 对于女性的膜拜。
我也想时常把手放在胸口，向自己的国旗致敬
在 这里呆了半年多了，很幸运，亲眼见证并参与了这个历史性的时刻，Obama的选举。我和几个其他院的同学一起为Obama的选举建立了一个 promotion program,主要是以音乐会的形式为Obama筹集资金，到现在已经筹集了几千块并已经将支票寄出去了。有人会问我，美国人的事你一个中国人扯哪门子 蛋呢？（崇洋媚外？）我没什么信服的理由去回答，但如果真的非要回答，我只能说，我禁不住Obama给我带来的启迪的感动，禁不住他灯塔一般希望的诱惑。 当他站在台上演讲，台下的群情激昂让所有仍旧充满希望和理想的美国人都恨不得现在就拿起一把锄头，和这个黑哥一起重建这个国家。从他们的眼神中，他们 Yes We Can的呐喊中，你能体会到每一个人对自己国家和民族不可抑制的自豪感。这种自豪感让我感动的地方是它时时刻刻散发出的力量，那是一种只有在自由和民主的 国度才能表达出的真诚。
体育 在美国是个大事。篮球，橄榄球，棒球，冰球，从高中到大学到职业联盟都有完善的赛事体制。很多大学和高中的比赛所受的关注也并不亚于职业赛事。每场比赛之 前，无论赛事级别大小，毫不例外的，是面对国旗唱National Anthem。我去过一次冰球比赛，几次篮球比赛，当所有我身边的美国人站起来手放胸前，面对国旗唱自己的国歌时，我也不得不局促的站起来，异样的感受身 边的民族对他们自己国家的自豪，向宗教一样，我肃然起敬。超级碗是美国一年一度的节日，比赛之前，都要有一个女明星站在体育场的中央，面对数十万在场的观 众，数以亿记的电视前的观众，整装待发的球员，和带着军衔的士兵，面对星条旗唱美国的国歌。这已经成为了一个仪式。为什么体育对于美国人来讲那么重要，因 为体育不仅仅是竞技，而是民族精神的代表，是他们抒发爱国情怀的方式。为什么美国人那么喜欢橄榄球？因为那肉体赤裸裸的对抗契合着他们心中要抗争的激情， 对实现自己美国梦的渴望。
民族精神和其他一切精神一样，需要鼓舞，需要激励，需要一种仪式作为象征去一代一代的传成，需要一个英雄时不时在某个历史的角落站出来告诉群众他们后面的荣耀和前方的希望，当这个英雄倒下时，更需要一个日子告诉人们默哀的时间，一个墓碑告诉人们下跪的地方。
当 刘翔身批国旗告诉全世界他是中国人的时候，你不能说他是一个没有文化的体育棒子。当六月四日到来的时候，你不能不知道那是多少热血青年为了中国的民主和理 想倒在天安门广场的日子？12月13号，你不能忽视那天南京城警笛的长鸣和七十年前的同一天的耻辱。这些都是民族凝聚力的点滴。很多人都想这么做，但是没 有机会。
我也想向这里的美国人一样，几乎每周都有机会和自己的同胞一起为国旗致敬，向日本人一样每年到靖国神社参拜自己的英雄。知道么，那是像乡愁一般自然的民族归属感，但诚实的说，我很难能找到祖国的哪一点让我能真诚的感到自豪，亲人成为了我唯一能寄托那份乡愁的地方。
Please, Get your English ready first.
I saw some videos on youtube about demonstrations and protests organized by chinese students. Some dumb buck Americans commented some dumb buck comments asking why so many Chinese are massacred and had to flee overseas yet still supporting their government now.
I replied that the government in China did commit an inexcusable crime in the 1980s and some people were forced to flee to other countries for shelter. I think this is what you are referring to. But the politics in China has undergone some huge reformations and infrastructure rebuild over the last two decades. Economics there is also rapidly developing. No matter where they live, where they breathe, Chinese are still Chinese. Their skins are still yellow, eyes black.
Then this dumb buck asked dumbly again "so people in China define Chinese based on 'skin color'? and today is ....21st century?"
I said, dude, it's a rhetoric sentence, meaning they won't forget where they are from. For the love of their country they organized the democracy movement against all odds. For the same love of their country, they are proud of China's development and the Olympic games to be held.
Then this dumb buck just couldn't stop demonstrating his stupidity, asking "why those students at duke organized such meaningless protests, China killed thousands of Tibetans, violated so many human rights, what the f*ck they are protesting for?" And he also didn't forget to throw at me some dirty words trying to insult me.
I said First, they are protesting for the biased western media that has been demonizing China since the beginning of Tibet riots. Some Europeans are the very victims of their own media, yet they don't know and they don't want to know. They still go out on demonstrations without even knowing where the heck Tibet is.
Second, this protest tries to reach a common agreement, that is to leave Olympic games out of politics. Let the athletes decide whether or not to go, not the governments.
And please watch your language. Don't be the white trash that I see everyday in new york.
Then without anything substantial to say, he spitted, "yes, china is undergoing developments. What a keen-witted observation. Now forget about Hu Jia, his wife and his daughter. Forget about Falun Gong and the concentration camps. Just take the hitlers side instead of Sophie Scholl's."
I replied, the only country who's taking the hitlers side is US. Spitzer prostitution, 911 inside deal, Iraq war, fox news, bosnia sniper fire, I mean come on, get your american chicken back home and then let's talk about fascism.
This bum never replied back.
In those videos, Chinese students tried to argue and cite facts on what's really going on in Tibet. But native tongues are always more eloquent and can often leave some Chinese students dumbfounded. I mean, please, get your English ready, practice your defense before going out on protests. Don't be so ill-organized and bottomed by those biased animals.
Where there is a truth, there is light.
When the sun goes down,
when the darkness emerges and shadows the land,
spirit is set free.
When the gentle tides shimmered through the soft moon lights,
when the moving clouds passed away,
that which once concealed the secrets lying under the souls
arises from the deep,
confronted is what we called melancholy,
I wandered through those secrets,
I faced them with courage,
yet again,
I cringed.
when the darkness emerges and shadows the land,
spirit is set free.
When the gentle tides shimmered through the soft moon lights,
when the moving clouds passed away,
that which once concealed the secrets lying under the souls
arises from the deep,
confronted is what we called melancholy,
I wandered through those secrets,
I faced them with courage,
yet again,
I cringed.
A note from Jane Eyer
The human heart has hidden treasures,
in secretes kept,
in silence sealed,
the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
whose charms were broken if revealed.
Life can be a truly fabulous journey if along the way some charms were broken by you and to you, can't it?
in secretes kept,
in silence sealed,
the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
whose charms were broken if revealed.
Life can be a truly fabulous journey if along the way some charms were broken by you and to you, can't it?
Tim Russert Died At 58 Today
2008年8月21日，是Martin Luther King, Jr. "I have a dream"演讲的45周年纪念日，在同一天，民主党将正式宣布BarackObama为民主党代表进行大选。当Tim发现这个惊人的巧合，在NBC电视 台直播间向他的同事和全国的电视观众宣布这一消息时，他脸上孩子一般兴奋的表情至今我无法忘怀，因为相信我在听到这个消息时，表情的稚嫩和微笑的纯真不亚 于Tim本人，那个刚刚过完58岁生日，功成名就的NBC副总裁。
怎么也想不到如此巨大的一个存在就这样殒灭了，无法亲自见证今年8月21日历史性的时刻，恐怕是他死前最难以吞下的苦水。看来，Obama必须胜利完成这次大选，在白宫的星条旗前宣誓就职，才能赢得Tim在天堂的微笑了。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In memory of my favorite news anchor, moderator and political pundit, the golden standard of political journalism in humor and grace, Tim Russert. My condolence to your family. You will be forever sorely missed.
怎么也想不到如此巨大的一个存在就这样殒灭了，无法亲自见证今年8月21日历史性的时刻，恐怕是他死前最难以吞下的苦水。看来，Obama必须胜利完成这次大选，在白宫的星条旗前宣誓就职，才能赢得Tim在天堂的微笑了。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In memory of my favorite news anchor, moderator and political pundit, the golden standard of political journalism in humor and grace, Tim Russert. My condolence to your family. You will be forever sorely missed.
The Hippocrisy of Atheism
The great Karl Marx and his generations of materialists cherish the idea of atheism. And some, including the famous, righteously believe, as Carl Sagan stated loud and clear, "It's far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring it is."
Very tempting, isn't it? How courageous you are to be an atheist that you stand alone and face off the reality in confidence and wisdom. And what those who seeks God are really seeking is mere reassurance and satisfaction. It's coward, delusional, irrational and unreasonable.
Next February would mark the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Darwin, and the 150th anniversary of the publication of his seminal work, “The Origin of Species.” This would be a day of celebration for the victory of Darwinism and Atheism, a day of reality that casts out the evils generic to religions throughout human history. Exhilarating!!
But I don't know what would Darwin himself say if he knows that Darwinism becomes a celebration and quintessential prove that God doesn't exist, a declaration of death penalty to religious beliefs. Because Darwin himself is at best an Agnostic.
At one time he said, "Agnostic would be the most correct description of the state of my mind."
At another time in his last years, he wrote that he was greatly "challenged by the extreme difficulty, or rather the impossibility, of discovering this immense and wonderful universe, including man with his capacity for looking far backwards and far into futurity, as the result of blind chance or necessity. When thus reflecting I feel compelled to look to a First Cause having an intelligent mind in some degree analogous to that of man; and I deserve to be called a theist."
Make no mistake, I personally believe in evolution and natural selection, but no matter how revolutionary this theory is, it's far from perfection. And I really have no idea how atheists disprove Bible with evolution theory, even if this theory can be perfected.
I also personally believe in the origin of the universe, you know, the "big bang" theory where everything begins. Well, only maybe not everything, but something before the "big bang"?
Even Albert Einstein is a Deist. An unquenchable desire to search for the truth? Or in some other people's words, the reality? I encourage everyone who calls themselves Atheists to be so. Because isn't the question that "Do God really exist?" worth you reflect on? Actually, my own opinion is that this is one of the most important and fascinating questions you have to ask and go after the answer for in your life.
Please, call yourself an Atheist after going into libraries, citing facts, digging into scriptures, learning how other Atheist disprove the ever existence of God. Don't tell me you are an Atheist before doing all these because this is so not intellectual and so not fair to those who took great efforts to seek the truth and finally become Theists.
Now to many of the Atheists, I have to say, you are at best Agnostics.
Very tempting, isn't it? How courageous you are to be an atheist that you stand alone and face off the reality in confidence and wisdom. And what those who seeks God are really seeking is mere reassurance and satisfaction. It's coward, delusional, irrational and unreasonable.
Next February would mark the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Darwin, and the 150th anniversary of the publication of his seminal work, “The Origin of Species.” This would be a day of celebration for the victory of Darwinism and Atheism, a day of reality that casts out the evils generic to religions throughout human history. Exhilarating!!
But I don't know what would Darwin himself say if he knows that Darwinism becomes a celebration and quintessential prove that God doesn't exist, a declaration of death penalty to religious beliefs. Because Darwin himself is at best an Agnostic.
At one time he said, "Agnostic would be the most correct description of the state of my mind."
At another time in his last years, he wrote that he was greatly "challenged by the extreme difficulty, or rather the impossibility, of discovering this immense and wonderful universe, including man with his capacity for looking far backwards and far into futurity, as the result of blind chance or necessity. When thus reflecting I feel compelled to look to a First Cause having an intelligent mind in some degree analogous to that of man; and I deserve to be called a theist."
Make no mistake, I personally believe in evolution and natural selection, but no matter how revolutionary this theory is, it's far from perfection. And I really have no idea how atheists disprove Bible with evolution theory, even if this theory can be perfected.
I also personally believe in the origin of the universe, you know, the "big bang" theory where everything begins. Well, only maybe not everything, but something before the "big bang"?
Even Albert Einstein is a Deist. An unquenchable desire to search for the truth? Or in some other people's words, the reality? I encourage everyone who calls themselves Atheists to be so. Because isn't the question that "Do God really exist?" worth you reflect on? Actually, my own opinion is that this is one of the most important and fascinating questions you have to ask and go after the answer for in your life.
Please, call yourself an Atheist after going into libraries, citing facts, digging into scriptures, learning how other Atheist disprove the ever existence of God. Don't tell me you are an Atheist before doing all these because this is so not intellectual and so not fair to those who took great efforts to seek the truth and finally become Theists.
Now to many of the Atheists, I have to say, you are at best Agnostics.
生动
终于又失眠了，夏天末尾的日子总是充满魅惑的。快要开学了，才发现院子里夏日的香气中，萤火虫都不见。该走的都走了，留下自己一个人，望着校园里的回忆， Johnson school的大电视，Dufield Hall的自习室，Slope上的斜阳，还有Anabel Taylor里的那架斯坦威钢琴，哎，美丽的校园不一定是好事。
为什么这仅仅一年的时光会浓缩进这么多东西呢？
又突然的都走掉了。
兔 子把一整卷肖邦的夜曲的谱子一并给我发了过来，21首，高兴的我直掉眼泪，不用非得花钱买了。这两天没干别的，一直在弹那不知opus号的第21首夜曲， 这个曲子应该是肖邦所有曲子中最简单的了吧，今天总算是都能弹下来了，不过还需要起码一周的时间熟练下来。平生弹下来的第一首肖邦，以此为念了。
肖邦的每一首夜曲都像是刚炸出来的冰淇淋，一碰即碎，入口即化，什么叫沁人心脾。但建议是一定不要在晚上听，更不要在晚上弹，否则后果自付。真的睡不着了。夜曲，哎，没见过如此细腻的快乐和悲伤，水一般轻易的的流淌在心灵的夹缝里，怎么能设防呢？
李 云迪的肖邦已经让我感觉不到一切了，都在云层之外呢。让我想起朱自清的散文，朴实无华，感人至深。如此收敛的指缝中却能充溢着那么多感情！神秘的一塌糊 涂。朗朗相比之下真的让我很无奈，那么夸张，表达出的感情不及李的十分之一。估计这就是出生之后才苦练出来的普通人和在娘肚子里就开始弹琴的天才之间的差 距吧。
李云迪在日本现场弹的李斯特－帕格尼尼的<钟>（La Campanella）更是让我四体投地。虽然错了几个音，但那几个错音反而让这个曲子更加活灵活现。这种难度的曲子一般的专业人士都会机械一般的弹下 来，很怕弹错一个音，但李确实不一样，放的很开，投入进很多感情，让整个乐章带着动感和节奏的变化，带着乐趣和生机，使鲁宾斯坦的版本都显得有些呆板了， Evgeny Kissin的就更不能于他们相提并论了，只是存脆的快，却不生动。恩，李云迪的曲子很生动。
“生动”。也应该是做人毕生的追求。
为什么这仅仅一年的时光会浓缩进这么多东西呢？
又突然的都走掉了。
兔 子把一整卷肖邦的夜曲的谱子一并给我发了过来，21首，高兴的我直掉眼泪，不用非得花钱买了。这两天没干别的，一直在弹那不知opus号的第21首夜曲， 这个曲子应该是肖邦所有曲子中最简单的了吧，今天总算是都能弹下来了，不过还需要起码一周的时间熟练下来。平生弹下来的第一首肖邦，以此为念了。
肖邦的每一首夜曲都像是刚炸出来的冰淇淋，一碰即碎，入口即化，什么叫沁人心脾。但建议是一定不要在晚上听，更不要在晚上弹，否则后果自付。真的睡不着了。夜曲，哎，没见过如此细腻的快乐和悲伤，水一般轻易的的流淌在心灵的夹缝里，怎么能设防呢？
李 云迪的肖邦已经让我感觉不到一切了，都在云层之外呢。让我想起朱自清的散文，朴实无华，感人至深。如此收敛的指缝中却能充溢着那么多感情！神秘的一塌糊 涂。朗朗相比之下真的让我很无奈，那么夸张，表达出的感情不及李的十分之一。估计这就是出生之后才苦练出来的普通人和在娘肚子里就开始弹琴的天才之间的差 距吧。
李云迪在日本现场弹的李斯特－帕格尼尼的<钟>（La Campanella）更是让我四体投地。虽然错了几个音，但那几个错音反而让这个曲子更加活灵活现。这种难度的曲子一般的专业人士都会机械一般的弹下 来，很怕弹错一个音，但李确实不一样，放的很开，投入进很多感情，让整个乐章带着动感和节奏的变化，带着乐趣和生机，使鲁宾斯坦的版本都显得有些呆板了， Evgeny Kissin的就更不能于他们相提并论了，只是存脆的快，却不生动。恩，李云迪的曲子很生动。
“生动”。也应该是做人毕生的追求。
The unbearable complex of being
Campaign trail is a baffling and exuberant theater where hatred, betrayal, conspiracy, and lies are spawned and erupted like a poisoned stomach that never slips a chance of farting. But without any sheepish pretense, I find the bodily waste just the cutest thing in the world.
Politics appeals to the dark and secretive facets of lives that are intolerably exhausting and intricately complex. For civilians, politics is as dirty and disgusting, yet at the same time, as revetting as porn. People simply don't possess the ability to vote. But they feel compelled to. So they vote their guts, their biology, their primal instincts. In that sense, politics is porn, or more appropriately put, a reality porn show. It’s like watching a hot couple having sex, through a curtained window, you sneak up on them across the street with your tainted telescope. Morally, you condemn yourself for doing so. But when somebody asks how it feels, you probably will wear on a vulgar grimace and admit with a dramatical modesty: 'it tastes just fine.' Something tastes that fine usually isn’t legal. But who cares. Everybody deserves some guilty pleasure after having lived a rugged junk life on this rotted earth.
Politics is a game of choosing sides. As a free thinker, the rule of choosing sides couldn't be any simpler-----to stand with the one whose farting skill makes their gas more bearable than the other. No issues are black and white. They all have overlapping zone where the color is a bewildering grey. Are you a pro-lifer or are you a pro-choicer? Are you a gun owner or are you a gun hater? There’s no such thing as a clear choice. But there is a such thing called cult, a personality cult. A desire to follow, a zeal to worship and an urge to embrace as early as thousands years ago, have carved a legitimate cognitive recognition of the intelligence level boasted by a human being. We are born to idol, yet easy to be impressed.
That said, it leads to only one thing; nobody eludes the fate of voting their reproductive systems. Nobody.
Politics appeals to the dark and secretive facets of lives that are intolerably exhausting and intricately complex. For civilians, politics is as dirty and disgusting, yet at the same time, as revetting as porn. People simply don't possess the ability to vote. But they feel compelled to. So they vote their guts, their biology, their primal instincts. In that sense, politics is porn, or more appropriately put, a reality porn show. It’s like watching a hot couple having sex, through a curtained window, you sneak up on them across the street with your tainted telescope. Morally, you condemn yourself for doing so. But when somebody asks how it feels, you probably will wear on a vulgar grimace and admit with a dramatical modesty: 'it tastes just fine.' Something tastes that fine usually isn’t legal. But who cares. Everybody deserves some guilty pleasure after having lived a rugged junk life on this rotted earth.
Politics is a game of choosing sides. As a free thinker, the rule of choosing sides couldn't be any simpler-----to stand with the one whose farting skill makes their gas more bearable than the other. No issues are black and white. They all have overlapping zone where the color is a bewildering grey. Are you a pro-lifer or are you a pro-choicer? Are you a gun owner or are you a gun hater? There’s no such thing as a clear choice. But there is a such thing called cult, a personality cult. A desire to follow, a zeal to worship and an urge to embrace as early as thousands years ago, have carved a legitimate cognitive recognition of the intelligence level boasted by a human being. We are born to idol, yet easy to be impressed.
That said, it leads to only one thing; nobody eludes the fate of voting their reproductive systems. Nobody.
9/08/2008
Journal 1
今天终于揭开了已久的迷。我的生命中缺少的东西，不是物质上的，不是命运的，不是精神上的，是行动上的，和意识里的。刚刚明白，打开心门自问，什么是自己缺少的，什么占据了自己的心？缺少的是自我，占据的是他人。我太关注别人的想法了，到了一种嗤之以鼻的境界。就在我打字的这个时刻，揭露自己太过在意别人的想法的缺点的这个时刻，我仍然在潜意识里想象某某人看了这个日志的时候会怎么想？会怎么评价？难道这个日志不是给自己写的么？难道这个日志不是为了观察自我么？如果这样一种日志都要在意别人的想法，那么怎样才不能呢？太过在意，以至于无法真正的，我是说，真正的集中注意力。自私一点，关注自己，让自己成长，接受责任，成为一个男人，杀死心中的男孩。
想到了死亡。照镜子的时候，看着自己的面容，突然发现自己是如此年轻，年轻的脸庞，年轻的身体，但眼神里，是无尽的迷惑和无视。无视死亡无处不在的存在，无视每分每秒的流逝和珍贵，停止了成长。为什么死亡都不会给我带来恐惧呢？我的麻木么？我真的应该开始生活了。
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