my little nest

i feel this blog is more and more becoming a little nest. whenever i felt depressed, sad, lonely, lost, i came here, write something, or not.

Repro is a course of joined efforts by 25 lecturers. each of them will sign me a take home exam. It's midterm, and I have 12 lectures to catch up. Every lecture have 3 or 4 questions with a note saying that "please limit your answers in three pages", making it totally 18 pages at least to fill. Like I am kind of unstoppable to write each of them to four pages. This really requires a lot of reading, and even worse, a lot of writing too. I've been doing nothing but reading and writing for 10 days, still haven't finished. I'm overwhelmed.



My best friend's advisor got breast cancer. We did her honor's research together and since I came to Cornell, that advisor have always been wanting to see me. But she is now lying in the bed of a hospital, finding that breast cancer is in the late stage and have spreaded invasively to other tissues. Guess this is life. People leave. People die.

I've been in this unstable mood since god knows when. More often then not, it's bad, with temper and disturbs. My life is drifting away and I've nowhere to grasp the wheel. In the face of all odds, I'm striving to search for a place where I can feel secure and safe. But I failed so far.

i think i'm losing balance

i don't know what's happening to me. i'm losing temper, mean, easy to disturb, can't sleep.
i'm more and more closer to the dark side. Away from the shining looks, away from the comfortable smiles, are the stifling depression shadowing over my sky.

fuck

i just so much want to say: fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! My life sucks. I no longer have dreams, no longer feel passionate for my life. Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be no one but yourself

Honesty is the first chapter of wisdom.------- Thomas Jafferson

Honesty and happiness always come hand in hand. Lies won’t stand there forever. Should it be, it becomes a disaster for the liar has to be constantly testified by man's inherited conscience, and tortured by haunting interogations of soul from somewhere deep inside. Believe me, becuz I'm so good at concealing the truth. Ugly has never been painfully uncovered, and I'm suffering from it.