FML

practiced for almost a month as a birthday gift, without even receiving a thank you. FML!!!

心死

事到如今，已经没有什么路可走了。总是在悲伤的时候，喘不过气，流不出眼泪，看不见远方的时候来到这里，啧啧叹息。记得小时候，总喜欢把自己刻意的沉浸在悲伤的气息里去激发写作的灵感。我会对着镜子，幻想自己逐渐老去的那一天，青春不驻，一股悲凉便从心底升起。现在，青春真的不驻了，却不见了那股悲凉，取而代之的是漠视。话说哀莫大于心死。我的心真的死了么？

Drink a cup of tea called Incarnation

空无一人的大楼里，敲键盘的声音居然震耳欲聋，越敲越心虚，不得已带上耳机，把音量调高，才敢继续打字。

也许我永远也不会知道什么样的路才适合自己去走，什么样的工作才适合自己去做了。所以，找一条路，管他是死是活，走到底吧。

路我已经选好了。虽然不好走，但最近以来已然沉浸在重新有了期冀的状态中，当然，也伴着茫然，更伴着期望背后笼罩的恐惧。

但也是感受到恐惧的那一刹那，突然清亮的感觉到自己其实还活着。

万妙的美丽女人之死

这个艺术主题的展开可以说是从一个美丽女性的尸体开始的。那是一八几几年，有人在卢浮宫外面的河道里发现了一个女人的尸体，那个时候处理这个尸体的方法是 放到某个市中心地带让市民过来认领。这个女人的美丽和她的死激起了当地市民的议论，“她是谁？她为什么死？”是所有议论的中心。这些议论和由此产生的传闻 给这个女人蒙上了一层神秘的气息。 其中有一些“艺术家”在认领的过程中被这个沉静、安详、面容依然散发着蛊惑魅力的女性深深打动，加之已然笼罩的神秘，于是迸发出以“美丽女性之死”为题材 的一系列绘画创作。在他们眼里，突然间，美丽的女人，用她们所有的童年和青春积蓄的美丽作为筹码，在死的瞬间迸发出真挚的美。她们的出生就是为了死亡的那 一刻，这句话从这点来看似乎一点不为过。从开始以幻想为模板的绘画，到后来用模特塑造氛围的摄影，在这两百多年的时间里，这个题材一直在重复并更新着自 己。 所以，我们从广告，摄影，传单，尤其网络上，看到很多美丽的女性死在池塘里，死在浴池里，死在小溪边⋯⋯在她们散发的美丽和死亡的气息间，好的作品总能达 成完美的平衡，漂白的皮肤传达出死亡的信号，完美的胸部证明着她们的青春，精致的面庞挑起观赏者的怜惜，而灯光和环境的不同则可以让人产生不同的感官刺 激，掺杂着虽然变态但不可否认的性欲，或者及至到纯粹的神性之光。愈发的，这些作品不再仅仅是关于光影和造型，而是去探索神秘，死亡，和原始的冲动了—— 对于女性的膜拜。

我也想时常把手放在胸口，向自己的国旗致敬

在 这里呆了半年多了，很幸运，亲眼见证并参与了这个历史性的时刻，Obama的选举。我和几个其他院的同学一起为Obama的选举建立了一个 promotion program,主要是以音乐会的形式为Obama筹集资金，到现在已经筹集了几千块并已经将支票寄出去了。有人会问我，美国人的事你一个中国人扯哪门子 蛋呢？（崇洋媚外？）我没什么信服的理由去回答，但如果真的非要回答，我只能说，我禁不住Obama给我带来的启迪的感动，禁不住他灯塔一般希望的诱惑。 当他站在台上演讲，台下的群情激昂让所有仍旧充满希望和理想的美国人都恨不得现在就拿起一把锄头，和这个黑哥一起重建这个国家。从他们的眼神中，他们 Yes We Can的呐喊中，你能体会到每一个人对自己国家和民族不可抑制的自豪感。这种自豪感让我感动的地方是它时时刻刻散发出的力量，那是一种只有在自由和民主的 国度才能表达出的真诚。

体育 在美国是个大事。篮球，橄榄球，棒球，冰球，从高中到大学到职业联盟都有完善的赛事体制。很多大学和高中的比赛所受的关注也并不亚于职业赛事。每场比赛之 前，无论赛事级别大小，毫不例外的，是面对国旗唱National Anthem。我去过一次冰球比赛，几次篮球比赛，当所有我身边的美国人站起来手放胸前，面对国旗唱自己的国歌时，我也不得不局促的站起来，异样的感受身 边的民族对他们自己国家的自豪，向宗教一样，我肃然起敬。超级碗是美国一年一度的节日，比赛之前，都要有一个女明星站在体育场的中央，面对数十万在场的观 众，数以亿记的电视前的观众，整装待发的球员，和带着军衔的士兵，面对星条旗唱美国的国歌。这已经成为了一个仪式。为什么体育对于美国人来讲那么重要，因 为体育不仅仅是竞技，而是民族精神的代表，是他们抒发爱国情怀的方式。为什么美国人那么喜欢橄榄球？因为那肉体赤裸裸的对抗契合着他们心中要抗争的激情， 对实现自己美国梦的渴望。

民族精神和其他一切精神一样，需要鼓舞，需要激励，需要一种仪式作为象征去一代一代的传成，需要一个英雄时不时在某个历史的角落站出来告诉群众他们后面的荣耀和前方的希望，当这个英雄倒下时，更需要一个日子告诉人们默哀的时间，一个墓碑告诉人们下跪的地方。

当 刘翔身批国旗告诉全世界他是中国人的时候，你不能说他是一个没有文化的体育棒子。当六月四日到来的时候，你不能不知道那是多少热血青年为了中国的民主和理 想倒在天安门广场的日子？12月13号，你不能忽视那天南京城警笛的长鸣和七十年前的同一天的耻辱。这些都是民族凝聚力的点滴。很多人都想这么做，但是没 有机会。

我也想向这里的美国人一样，几乎每周都有机会和自己的同胞一起为国旗致敬，向日本人一样每年到靖国神社参拜自己的英雄。知道么，那是像乡愁一般自然的民族归属感，但诚实的说，我很难能找到祖国的哪一点让我能真诚的感到自豪，亲人成为了我唯一能寄托那份乡愁的地方。

Please, Get your English ready first.

I saw some videos on youtube about demonstrations and protests organized by chinese students. Some dumb buck Americans commented some dumb buck comments asking why so many Chinese are massacred and had to flee overseas yet still supporting their government now.

I replied that the government in China did commit an inexcusable crime in the 1980s and some people were forced to flee to other countries for shelter. I think this is what you are referring to. But the politics in China has undergone some huge reformations and infrastructure rebuild over the last two decades. Economics there is also rapidly developing. No matter where they live, where they breathe, Chinese are still Chinese. Their skins are still yellow, eyes black.

Then this dumb buck asked dumbly again "so people in China define Chinese based on 'skin color'? and today is ....21st century?"

I said, dude, it's a rhetoric sentence, meaning they won't forget where they are from. For the love of their country they organized the democracy movement against all odds. For the same love of their country, they are proud of China's development and the Olympic games to be held.

Then this dumb buck just couldn't stop demonstrating his stupidity, asking "why those students at duke organized such meaningless protests, China killed thousands of Tibetans, violated so many human rights, what the f*ck they are protesting for?" And he also didn't forget to throw at me some dirty words trying to insult me.

I said First, they are protesting for the biased western media that has been demonizing China since the beginning of Tibet riots. Some Europeans are the very victims of their own media, yet they don't know and they don't want to know. They still go out on demonstrations without even knowing where the heck Tibet is.

Second, this protest tries to reach a common agreement, that is to leave Olympic games out of politics. Let the athletes decide whether or not to go, not the governments.

And please watch your language. Don't be the white trash that I see everyday in new york.

Then without anything substantial to say, he spitted, "yes, china is undergoing developments. What a keen-witted observation. Now forget about Hu Jia, his wife and his daughter. Forget about Falun Gong and the concentration camps. Just take the hitlers side instead of Sophie Scholl's."

I replied, the only country who's taking the hitlers side is US. Spitzer prostitution, 911 inside deal, Iraq war, fox news, bosnia sniper fire, I mean come on, get your american chicken back home and then let's talk about fascism.

This bum never replied back.

In those videos, Chinese students tried to argue and cite facts on what's really going on in Tibet. But native tongues are always more eloquent and can often leave some Chinese students dumbfounded. I mean, please, get your English ready, practice your defense before going out on protests. Don't be so ill-organized and bottomed by those biased animals.

Where there is a truth, there is light.

When the sun goes down,
when the darkness emerges and shadows the land,
spirit is set free.
When the gentle tides shimmered through the soft moon lights,
when the moving clouds passed away,
that which once concealed the secrets lying under the souls
arises from the deep,
confronted is what we called melancholy,
I wandered through those secrets,
I faced them with courage,
yet again,
I cringed.